Head is pounding, and there is only one thing that can help it. Sleep. Why can't I seem to get enough? Whenever I have down time; rather than nap, I end up reading or doing something completely different. Either way I miss sleep.

I'm so close to something awesome. Yet still so far. *sigh* 6 days into the new year and I have already had 4 breakdowns and questioned my life choices thus far. Yes I know what you are thinking "chill the fuck out!" "blah blah blah...". Yea I get it.
Its new, things are good... So why I'm prepared to fuck it up? He's tres good to me. And I don't mean just they way it used to be. I mean he is good to me. Sure we have a few disagreements, but thats life. I'm dealing.

I'm planning a move in 2 months. I'm nervous as fuck (hence the breakdowns) but I'm so excited I can barely think straight! (Also a contributing factor to the breakdowns.) Tonigh, I am viewing an appartment close to work and pretty much everything else. Its probably not exactly what I'm looking for, but its an out right? Somewhere that I can call my own and grown the fuck up.

I am also taking a break from Twitter and possibly Facebook. I'm not sure if I can handle that just yet, but Twitter for sure. :) I think all this is good for me. I need to get me in order before I can look outward. Gym after viewing. I am getting fat. Ick.

Sometimes I really have to wonder...
My friend and I were talking after my lovely fucktard of an ex-boyfriend decided to show up at my office and pretend like everything magically was okay. 1. Its not and 2. he can totally still go fuck himself.

Anyway, my friend told me that in six months she highly doubts my 'so called' rebound friendship (that began 4 years ago) will be out of my life, because HE won't want me. Okay, one is entitled to their own opinion... Then she went on to say that I will miss the ex since he was always there for me for 6 yers. I argued this point, since it is NOT the same as it once was, nor will it ever be. I don't know when he stopped being my friend and became just another guy like the rest of them who wanted to go into my pants.
Yes we have history, but fuck you. I broke up with him, because he hurt me. He disrespected me & my family. For that I don't wish him to be back in my life. Ever. Stop pushing for something I have made my mind up on. I respect my friend quite a bit, but this.... this was not cool. The only difference that I see, is he is EXACTLY the same as he used to be. Not worth the 10 month pain in the ass again. I don't want to spend my life living under whatever he wanted to do in the long term, but me planning everything. I'm sorry, I'm an event planner by day I would like to enjoy my downtime. & not with him.

See her reasoning behind all this... I have my friend in my life and I'm meeting his friends. Umm for her information, I didn't get to see this friend for 3 years because other things going on in our lives and whenever I did see him, my ex would go ape-shit on my ass... because he didn't trust him. He basically told him that it was me he didn't trust. And now with this 'new friend' situation where things have progressed to where I knew they would end up anyways... I am apparently going to get hurt in 6 months, because I 'feel he won't hurt me'. That is a load of BS. I know he will hurt me. He's a guy. I'm just about done with all of this bullshit. Why can't I just have fun for once? Even if I can walk away from this with a smile and say, "yes, he hurt me, but I had a blast while it lasted"? Apparently not. 

Holy hell, if she knew me when I was in love with the worst guy ever for me. The way he treated me... the way I hung on for 7 years, hoping and praying maybe oneday he would see me in a different light. God. What the fuck would she say then? Sure we were fucking, but its still very emotionally draining. She would have killed me. He turned out to be decent guy who knows his place now with me. I think he made me a stronger person. I don't think many people can see that though. Just the fact that he was a douche. Yes, he was. But I can honestly say after 11+ years... he is a good friend. 

Am I making this bigger than it needs to be? I mean... this is MY life. Not anyone elses... so why can't I live it the way I see fit? If something makes me happy, why the fuck can't I proceed with it? I feel no guilt, nor should I... I have no strings holding me back... but myself and of course what others think. Funny how those who are wanting me to be friends with my ex or are trying to rekindle our friendship are those who are judging me.
I'm a 20 something good looking chicky... I deserve SOME fun. I can't always be the gooder.

I didn't want to write this out again... I didn't want to begin writing again. I hate it.

There has been so much emotional bullshit lately that I don't even know where to begin. I dated, and broke up with my so called best friend. Sadly I am questioning his every move as a friend that was prior to our relationship.
My heart got wrenched out when I realized that the relationship was not going to work, & that I would most definitely lose my friend. I'm okay with that... at least I thought I was. Sometimes I wish I could call him and make things better - without the relationship mess. Sadly I don't see that as a possibility.
I put up a strong front. At least I hope I do.
The last month has been probably the hardest, next to my parents almost divorce (x2 over!). I'm really lost. I don't know what to do. Perhaps I need to seek counseling myself. Wouldn't that be funny if I had unresolved issues that were a contributing factor to this! Oh what a thought!
I probably do. Fuck.

I messed up with another friend. (background: he was a guy I met years ago... chemistry is there, just not on the same page with timing. Go figure!) How could I have ever been in the state of mind to think he and I would be good? Yes I like him and have for a while, but is what I am feeling the replacement for something else? I don't know. I'm worried. I feel ill with the thought. Misery loves company... but we can't be miserable together. That would be bad for both of us, and we'd never be able to deal with what is it that is standing infront of us. Our own problems.

Am I more upset over the fact that I am not going to have a chance with the friend, or that I am alone? Thats the question I think I need to figure out.

Now for the first time in years, I know I am not the problem. I know that everything that has happened, is not because of me. I am me, because of it all, but all that came of everything didn't not happen because of me. It has taken YEARS to realize that one.
I know what I am looking for, in a friend/relationship. I know that I need security, trust & most importantly something healthy! I'm young, very young, but I feel really old. Especially today. I feel like I'm running in this never ending sprial of lack luster false hope.
How can I be happy with someone if I am not sure what makes me most happy? No... how I can be happy with someone, when what makes me happy, isn't something they can understand? I guess I answered my own question. I can't be. Thus I shouldn't surround myself with them. Right?

Seriously looking over the last 4 years, SO much has happened. Almost too much. However somehow I have made it through that. How, I don't know. Why, because I had to. Thats exactly how I am going to look at this as well. I have to be okay with everything. Not completely okay, but accept it on some level. I think in time I will be able to.
Will that include being friends with certain people? One is out of the question completely, the other... most definitely. I value his friendship to know not to do what I did with the ex.

I need to get back into my groove. That includes no dating or nookie. Nothing. Everything I am doing, is for me... and only me. I need to fix me.